


I Love You All the Same

by ifear3



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Bipolar!Alexander Hamilton, Bisexual isn’t the only kinda bi he is, But I mean s a m e, College AU, Comedy, Couple banter that’s supposed to be funny I think idk, Crying, Fluff, Gay John Laurens, Good Boyfriend John Laurens, Human Disaster Alexander Hamilton, Implied depression and mania, M/M, Modern AU, and they were ROOMMATES, glad we’re clear on that, it’s a good time, kill me, neither of them have lives, not as dialogue heavy, oh mah gawd they were roommates, ok but seriously I don’t even mention that he’s bipolar, so if you don’t read the tags you’re fucked, too many tags oops, watch as Alex singlehandedly destroys his own mental and physical health, you’re just supposed to know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:55:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26002996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifear3/pseuds/ifear3
Summary: Alexander used to be able to ignore it so easily, but as of late, it’s become almost impossible to keep himself together.Through it all, though, John Laurens is always trailing behind to pick up the pieces.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Lams
Kudos: 39





	I Love You All the Same

**Author's Note:**

> In which Alexander is bipolar. (Just in case you didn’t read my obnoxious tags)

John felt his heavy eyelids lift as he registered the rather intense heat of the sun on his face. The sensation wasn’t uncomfortable, really; it felt like a caress to his cheek and forehead, silently lulling him back into a dozing state. He blinked slowly, watching as small spots of color danced in his vision, the result of sunlight reflecting off his eyelashes. He basked in the comfort of his own mind for a bit before realizing it was probably rather late, that he should be getting up. Reluctantly, John forced his eyes open and his muscles to move, everything creaking slightly as he sat up and stretched

He glanced over to Alexander’s bed. Unoccupied… of course.

John stood and made his way into the restroom, taking the time to brush his teeth but not to shower or change. Not yet, at least. To be honest, he and Alexander often did nothing on Saturdays and Sundays, for the partial reason that Alex didn’t get enough rest during the week so it was all crammed in during weekends. This meant there wasn’t much rush to get out of his striped Christmas pajamas, which he continued to wear despite it being well into Spring.

Everything worked out fine, though, because John rather liked staying in the dorm. It meant cuddling and napping and ordering takeout, watching cheesy movies and playing video games on Alex’s Nintendo Switch… it was nice. And John understood. He knew his boyfriend’s self preservation skills were absolutely awful, but it was also apparent that these habits existed for good reason.

John whistled to himself as he exited the bathroom, or perhaps he was actually just trying to locate Alexander in their dorm through echolocation. He wasn’t sure, but it might’ve worked, because Alex was at the first place he checked, tip-tap-tapping away at a laptop.

John moved up behind him, leaning against the dining room chair as he wrapped his arms around the immigrant’s lithe shoulders. He allowed his hands to slide gently down Alex’s forearms and sides, ending up crossed by the boy’s lower abdomen. Tightening the embrace slightly, John rested his chin on the smaller man’s left shoulder with a quiet sigh of content.

Alex lifted a hand off of the computer to lay it gently on John’s bicep instead. Though he was no longer typing, his left hand was still working the mouse. “Hey. You startled me.”

“Did I? You don’t look startled.”

“I might be too tired to physically emote.” Though this was a joke, John noted that Alex really did look a little more tired than usual. His dark eyes were glazed, hazily reflecting the computer screen in front of them. John wondered, if his boyfriend was tired, why didn’t he just sleep in?

John placed a kiss on the side of his neck. “Come on, let’s take a break then, hm? I thought we agreed to rest more on the weekends.”

“Yeah, I know, I just… couldn’t sleep anymore. This morning, I mean.”

“Are you alright?”

Alexander hesitated and shrugged, strictly avoiding eye contact. To John, this response was the equivalent of someone screaming “NO!” to the same question and then bursting into tears. It took a lot of pride control for Alex to admit he was less than okay, and lord knew Alex did not have pride control.

He gently grasped Alexander’s shoulders, leading the smaller man away from the kitchen and into the bedroom. They plopped onto his bed, facing each other.

John immediately softened at the look in Alexander’s eyes. He seemed pretty out of it.

“Alexander… what do you need, baby? Sleep? Cuddles? Food, water, TV?”

“I don’t know.” The poor boy looked overwhelmed by his own thoughts. John pulled him in and held him close.

“It’s alright. Just sit with me awhile, honey, okay? There’s nothing to worry about. It’s barely Saturday, March the twenty-eighth to be exact, and we don’t have to go back to class for all of two days now. See, everything’s gonna be alright, we’ll just chill here like this for some time- hey, did I ever tell you that story about the ducks? And the frozen lake? Well…” and John kept rambling on, much like he had learned to do whenever his boyfriend had episodes like this, or even panic attacks.

“...can you believe that? You know, they say that lake is somewhere off in Georgia now.”

Alexander let out a small, muffled chuckle, sniffling as he pulled away a bit. He looked up rather coyly at John, eyes a pinkish tint from crying.

John smiled fondly. “Like that one?”

“No. It was dumb.” Alex buried his face back in John’s shirt.

His smile widened. “There you are. Scared me for a second there.”

“Shut up.”

They were silent for a minute or so before John spoke up again, an uncertainty in his voice that he could not prevent from being there.

“Alexander…”

“Hm?”

“Sorry. ‘M just worried about you.” John realized his thoughts weren’t gathered enough for him to elaborate. Thankfully, Alex understood.

He sighed. “I know. I’m… okay, John. Really. I mean… this week was just really bad. I was stressed and I couldn’t sleep and the meds weren’t working at  _ all _ ...”

John stayed silent and listened, despite the frustration and discomfort in Alex’s voice.

“It’s like going on autopilot. That’s what it feels like, you know… I work and I work and then suddenly it’s like autopilot got turned off, except it leaves me like this, just physically and mentally so…  _ tired _ … and then I’m crying into your arms like a damn child, because it gets to be  _ too much  _ all over again.”

“Oh, love, you are so strong.” Was the only thing John could manage as he rubbed circles in his boyfriend’s back (who was tearing up again). He slowly leaned back until they were in a horizontal position, lying down comfortably in the bed.

The last thing John remembered doing before succumbing to sleep was laying a gentle kiss on Alex’s temple, quietly compelling him to rest.

-

About two hours later, John woke up, limbs tangled intimately in Alexander’s. His boyfriend still slept beside him, wisps of dark hair layered along his tan face. John stared for a few seconds, simply drinking in Alex’s nice features.

When he finally decided to get a move on, he was careful not to wake up Alex; despite his efforts, though, something told him that wouldn’t be a problem. The orphan was out cold.

“Love you”, John mumbled on impulse alone before exiting the room. He wandered aimlessly in small circles for a bit (though there wasn’t actually all that much pacing space in the messy dormitory), unsure of what to do with his time. It was decided at some point that he’d sit down and have a beer.

As John cracked open the cool bottle of Sam Adams, a fond memory began to play in his mind: one evening at a party he drank almost three pints of this shit. Well, it was kind of traumatic at the time, but these days he and his friends simply laughed about the experience. They were all drunker than drunk that night… it was a great time.

John suddenly realized that he really did miss hanging out with friends as often as he used to. He had many good memories with them all… Herc, Laf, Angelica, Peggy, Eliza, Maria, and even Aaron, who pretended to hate them but John knew he didn’t. Ah, good ol’ Burr.

It was okay, though. John knew they could all spend time together again during break.

He plopped heavily into a chair with his drink, deciding to just scroll social media for a while. Maybe something worthwhile was going on in the world.

-

John was pan searing some chicken breast in a pan when Alexander walked in, a very post-nap appearance to him. The boy’s hair was frizzy and kind of everywhere, scattered across the shoulders of a wrinkled navy long sleeve.

John offered a wide smile over his shoulder. Alex returned it with a smaller one.

“You look adorable.”

“John, that is such a lie. I look like I just wrestled with a bear.”

He paused, moving the pan as to not burn his chicken. “You’d still look adorable after that, so my point fucking stands.”

“What?”

“Nothing”, John grinned to himself. “How was the nap? Feeling any better?”

“Yeah, it was good.”

“That’s all?” John turned off the stove with a click. “Just good?”

“Could’ve been better. I didn’t wake up with you beside me”, Alex mused.

“You are so needy.”

“I know”, John could hear the smile in his voice. “What are you making?”

“That’s the real reason you’re here, hm? Smelled the food?”

Alex sat down before declaring in a deadpan voice, “yes. We are only dating because you can cook.”

John nearly choked as he took a sip of water. He looked to Alexander, trying to feign offense, but it didn’t last long because he let out a laugh. “Okay, Jesus! I’m literally never cooking for you again, which, by the way, would mean your dumbass starves to death.”

Alex only smiled. “Love you.” He brushed some stray hairs out of his face. “So, what is it?”

“Chicken. But I still need to make the salad and beans, so…”

Alexander stood. “Mm. Well, I’m gonna go shower before we eat then. Did you shower yet?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry, there’s still soap.” John grinned as he recalled his own tendency to use the last of the soap, but leave the completely empty bottle in the shower anyways. He remembered Alexander throwing a shampoo bottle at his back after coming out of the bathroom once, ranting about what an awful habit this was. The instance sort of became an inside joke between them, especially after telling the whole story to their friend group.

Alex laughed a little before turning, about to walk away.

“Wait.” John made his way around the counter to wrap Alexander in a loose hug. Up close, he was even more stunning; John couldn’t keep his eyes off of the pinkish blush just underneath the rims of Alex’s glasses. It was dusted with tiny freckles.

“And you call me the needy one…” he mumbled into fabric.

“You are!” He pulled back and kissed him before going back into the kitchen. “Sometimes you just forget how much I love you, so it’s important that I remind ya. That’s all”, John pulled open a cabinet to retrieve a large bowl. “Go shower now, love.”

-

“Did I ever tell you you look sexy when you cook?” John heard from behind him as he put food on two plates. Alexander’s voice was casual, as if this was just something he should know.

“No…” John’s voice was amused as he turned to look back at the boy; he looked refreshed, damp hair down and brushed. 

“Well, you do”, he pushed his glasses up matter-of-factly. “Need any help?”

“Nope. You came just in time. Come get this.”

Alex reached over the counter to grab the plate of food, which was emitting a heavenly scent. Decidedly putting it down for a second, though, Alexander hopped up to catch John’s lips in a surprise kiss. He used his hands as leverage on the counter because he was too short to reach over normally, which John found stupidly adorable.

“Thank you for cooking”, Alex said with a smile.

“You’re welcome…” John shook his head as he smiled back. “God, you are literally such a dork, did you know that?”

“As a matter of fact, I did.”

John grabbed his own plate with a chuckle. “Wanna eat here or the couch?”

“Couch. Let’s watch a movie.”

“Good idea.”

-

The couple finished their food to Mean Girls, drowsily cuddling and only half paying attention to the movie. John had originally suggested they watch that new musical by Lin Miranda on Disney+, but Alexander scoffed.

“The one about the founding fathers? Nah. Angelica told me it’s dumb. Let’s watch Mean Girls.”

And so there they were, watching a movie they’d already seen millions of times. Not that John minded; it was a great movie all the same.

“John?” Alex murmured drowsily from where he lay curled into John’s side. His voice jarred the larger man from his thoughts.

“Yeah?”

“‘M sorry for crying on you earlier. I know I don’t usually…”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind, babe.”

“I know. But I still feel bad. I mean, what kind of partner am I if instead of spending actual time with you, I just work myself to the point of needing to be taken care of?” Alexander frowned at irritation in his own voice. “Sorry. I’ve been thinking about this all day…”

“Aw. Hey, what did I say about blaming yourself for this kinda thing? It’s not your fault, honest. We’re figuring it out, honey, things will get better”, a pause, “and we have an appointment just next week, remember? We’re gonna fix the dosage on your meds… I promise it’ll all even out. Okay?”

Alexander nodded tentatively, cuddling closer. John held him tight, leaning down to whisper in his ear.

“I could never mind taking care of you, sweetheart. I’m glad to help, because I’m happy here, with  _ you,  _ the way you are _.  _ I love you, Alexander Hamilton.”

“I… I love you too, John Laurens.”

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I seriously just wanted to write something fluffy and cute but I accidentally wrote?? More angst?? Why do I have this problem? Someone, help me...
> 
> Whatever. It’s not as angsty as I would usually make it so I think I’m making progress on this addiction. The real issue is that now I wanna make this a series, which I shouldn’t do because I still didn’t finish my other series for a different fandom.. ugh. Oh well.
> 
> Anyways, I just wanted to write this little thing as practice... and because I wouldn’t usually write Lams. I mean, I ship it and whatnot, but not my OTP. The way I think about it though is that if you live on a farm, you gotta do other things, feed all the animals, even if some aren’t your favorite... so I just fed the lams (((:
> 
> I hate myself for that joke so bye now


End file.
